I have a Red Door

Well I have done it.

This adventure will be Nome..I get the pleasure of spending the dark winter here. I am sharing a small two room apartment with a fellow traveler and she is sweet as can be, a southern belle, that doesn't have a poker face....I am entranced by her, she can talk her way into getting favors and it is a quality I desperately need to learn.

How to ask for what I want...... I watch and I learn.

This past year has wreaked havoc on me, but I resolve to make amends.
I took a picture of myself on the banks of this small town and could see quite clearly the weight of the world on me and on my body!

I found the gym, it will be my friend as I reclaim that which is rightfully mine..my health and my strength, my resolve. This time in the in the winter in the great white north will be my catapult for growth and strength.


and so i begin...

Of love and Hurricaine Irma

As I pack my things and get rid of everything I do not need, Hurricane Irma is full force hitting the great state of Florida.

My house like Florida, is in disarray. as if strong winds has moved everything from its proper place, items scattered across the floor, on top of the table and countertops..
I had to take a quick second and catch my breath, my heart pounding and skipping beats, I grabbed my chest and sat down.

"It is okay. It will all be okay."

I imagine the universe is having a good laugh at me right now and, me being me, I imagine too, that the laughing is not malicious.

I have created my own hurricane. I am cognizant of this. Many times over the course of the last two years I imagined that I should minimalize, get rid of needless things. Focusing only on what is important.

And while I sit and contemplate my mind turns back to the man who left me abruptly two years ago. My Teacher, this is what I call him now, is in Florida where the eye of the storm is destined to hit.

I resist texting him, although I know for certain if I did he would respond. He always prided himself in being progressive and full of love and light.

It is fucking painful. I hate that I still love him, it is almost as bad as the betrayal he committed towards me. My heart betrays my mind...like drinking saltwater.

He disappeared on me after a year of a whirlwind romance, two friends becoming lovers, plans to relocate and travel nurse in an RV, head North during summer and South during winter..and living a minimalist lifestyle. The two of us.

Now I pack alone, divide alone, and make great plans alone. I suppose at some point we all must pick up the pieces of what is left after the storm has passed and decided where we are going from there.

I have decided, that what I wanted in that life I will still create it, even if it is alone.

I wish everyone safety and health that is suffering the effects of  hurricane..even the Teacher, and Irma, you can go fuck yourself.

Eat Pray LOve and a half tank of gas....

I gave my notice...
Resignation sent...

When all is stagnant...it's time to move. Move forward move out move briskly and don't look back. I will grow, I will be that warrior woman with a backpack, fearless......

Are you serious??

ummm......kinda.


Maybe not fearless...I am scared shitless.

This is unlike me. I have lived in the same town for more than 20 years. This small town where everyone knows your name, knows your children, knows about who you are dating, or in my case who I am not dating..small town business, small town gossips, and small town minds.

It never mattered much to me before, but facing this life of singledom and the reality that this small picturesque town has become an aspiring "Aspen", the cost of living skyrocketing..... it is time.

And so....I decided to follow my dreams and see the country as a travel nurse..

I have been busy connecting with multiple recruiters, lining up contracts, obtaining my licenses and updating my resume. I am exhausted.

I had a mini breakdown a couple of days ago when I realized this was happening..boxes of items listed for sale, putting my house up for rent. I am selling everything.

20 years of accumulated items..for sale.

My heart beats quickly and I sigh under my breathe. What if I can't get an assignment lined up quick enough? Where will I lay my head between assignments?

All these things....

My heart skips a beat.............

Let that shit go....no really,..... Drop it now!

                                                          Do I really need this?


In my attempt to simplify my life and purge.. I keep asking myself this question.
Do I need this or do I want this? Does it serve a purpose?  And no I am not talking about men...

 Okay wait.....I am really not talking about men but ultimately we could end up there.

Let me explain.

In my quest for joy, happiness and less stress I need to let go of the things that do not serve me. Easy right? No damn it..... it is not easy!!!

I have accumulated a house full of things, all of which was acquired during the raising of my kids and husband...oops ummm  I digress.

Why do I need 20 towels? I will tell you why..because my children left them wet on the floor or stuffed them into their closets.....typical kid strategy's to avoid hanging them on the bathroom hook to dry or put them in the washer.

This is why.

 I don't have a good excuse why I have the number of shoes that I have or purses, or 20 tops that are  black. No I don't have a good excuse for that one.


I need to let this shit go....all of it, seriously. It is weighing me down all this stuff. And so I commit to the purge and ask my self

                                                          "Do I need this?"

                                                  "Does this serve a purpose?"

And then just maybe these questions will seep into my subconscious..reminding me that these questions should be relevant to my life as well.

"Am I wanting of needless things, am I useful, does this food serve my body..I can go on and on

                                            I hope this shit works.

Missing You

I am not a blogger.

Let's just get this out into the open first hand because if you think I do this for a living, well, obviously not,  considering my last post was 4 years ago. Here's the thing though, overlooking my poor grammar and my endless run on sentences, for which I am well known for, I am pretty good at reaching down into the depths of my own "bullshit" glove less, dirty and disgusting and just plain ole getting real.

I have endless notes on my phone. This has become tedious. And then I thought, just blog it, Jesus......!

When I clicked on the search bar for blogger.com it shot me directly to my old blog.... "poof". I have been here before, like an old one night stand reappearing in your life and you cant remember their name. I read the posts, written shortly after my 2nd divorce.

 Crap.........  


 I don't recognize her.

       
 Let's face it, she just doesn't exist in that form anymore.

 I deleted all the posts.......except for one. It was worth keeping, like an old black and white photo, a snapshot of me in the past.

I redesigned my blog..a mountain in the background. It is fitting. We are all climbing mountains, pitted with valleys of green, steep faces without handholds, gentle inclines with loose gravel, where you cannot secure your footing, and well, maybe, interrupted by a few burning bushes of truth.

All the prophets of the past spent some time on a mountain, in a cave, retreating from people and the madness of the world. Self revelation, mind blowing truths, only to return with true wisdom and a bit of grey hair.

But let's face it....

What good is the wisdom if you don't employ it?
    I get stuck.
         I get stuck then I get mad.
                 Self defeating, and return full circle into the "WTF" stage.
                         Self deprecating,  and self sabotaging habits that I know all to well.

So here I am on the mountain standing in the middle of an avalanche.

                                                               Yes standing.

                                                            My feet are cold.