I sit here numb, angry and sad. My lonesomeness is even greater now, with your passing during this great corona virus invasion and mandatory isolation. Even my mourning has to be done in solitude.
I don't know what happened, I don't know why it happened and why you chose in a split second to end your life. Why? What compelled you so?
This is not the man I knew,
meticulous,
careful,
a planner,
for ALL that you did!
Every word that you said, every logic you imagined for every argument, you had a plan.
A logical one.
And yet here I am ....confused. Angry. Sad.
This is my anger:
Isolation is a Bitch.
Plain and simple, and I know it to be so by the fact that I am sitting here in my apartment alone. Kids all grown, and brother who left the family years ago and I can't even get word to him about you. What the fuck is going on?
Why did you isolate yourself?
Isolation is a cowardly affair and is a reasonable cowardice in the face of a deadly virus but not so much when it comes to family. No funeral, No memorial, COVID19 isolation in effect, no closure no closure no closure no answers.
This is what pisses me off, actually.
Yes, I know you with your face in a book and yes I know there is growth and learning to be had in such things, but not of the heart. You grow with the heart by connection and communion with those around you. You grow by being vulnerable and being fearful of your own truth and acknowledging it. You grow when others learn from their truth. This is family. We were not purposed to live in a vacuum. We make peace, and in this peace is the greatest of all wisdom. The greatest of all Love.
I would be lying if I said I hadn't felt despair. Despair is my friend and she comes to visit me every few years to taunt me.
I know her well.
I wish you had argued with her just even a little bit and told her to leave you alone.
Maybe make a plan to reach out to me your daughter. I loved you. Why did you let despair win? Surely her argument was not a good one.....based on emotion, you who would proclaim was a "fallible attribute of mankind."
Gone are the days of idle beliefs, beliefs that little girls have, and relationship with their fathers. I wasn't anyone's princess. I wanted more and I needed more. It was not to be and I made peace with it as an adult. But little girl wounds last a lifetime, they ebb and flow in relationships, appearing when I least expect it like Peter Pan's shadow with a mind and an agenda all of its own.
Okay, maybe that's a lie. I AM NOT OVER IT!
This is my sadness:
When the year of the hurricane came and I wrote to you and I told you how I felt, I meant it. My forgiveness was real. I forgave you and forgave myself for words said, actions made by both of us. Every word. So Imagine how I felt when you left Sitka without even a goodbye. I was heart broken and too angry to say anything. Daddy's leave, men leave..without a word. Silence.
I suppose I expected for you to reach out, or maybe your wife, but I was wrong. I had no idea where you were or what you were doing and this is the way with my family I suppose.
A Curse. I don't understand it. Leaving, then hating the isolation. Family is purpose, family is direction, and even support. Perfection is a lie, we are all imperfect, say imperfect things, hurt each other, but with that comes communion, truth, forgiveness, love, solidarity and purpose.
All of these laid at your feet, and I am sorry you choose not to want it.
With that said, and I want you to hear me clearly, I will not allow your Suicide to supersede those fond memories I have of you and I do have many fond memories. Many.
You taught me shoot and clean a gun, the irony is not lost on me. But you did, and you told me how it was a tool. You taught me how to ice skate braving the cold in the Anchorage winter to run me up and down the sidewalk with my double edge blades. You taught me, and this is important, you taught me how to fish, not little fish either, but big salmon even bigger than me. I will never forget our times fishing.
You let me fly a Cessna when you had your pilots license while rambling on about the laws of aerodynamics. I remember how it felt like freedom!
You brought me an whale vertebrae to sit on when you worked in the Bush of Alaska. I will never forget your pipe, and the smell of it wafting in the house, Your smirk! You adjusting yourself in your seat when you had a planned rebuttal for any deep discussion on religion, theory of relativity, and truth.
You taught me classical music, Bach, Mozart, Tchaikovsky, Brahms..and made me listen to opera. You owned the first Quo'ran I ever read. There are many more memories, some good, and some not so good.
I am going to focus on the good, let bygones be just that, bygones. I will not carry the shame of your suicide because I know ..None of us are infallible, none of us exist in a vacuum.
I cannot know your pain nor your difficulties, I wish I did. I wish I had known. However, I do hope I was a part of your joy and I hope you were proud of the woman I became. I hope I was your joy because
You were a part of mine......
I Love You Daddy
